Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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