He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
