Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
