I'm gonna have a badass scar
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
