I wish I could punch you in the face.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
