I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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