I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Randomize
