I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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