I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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