America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
