if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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