no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
