Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
40s are totally the cure
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
