woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
