is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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