So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
