I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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