I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
