i just sent this text using only my big toe
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
