were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
