anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Randomize
