Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
