Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
