I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
