when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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