dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
