we have pet lesbian snakes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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