Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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