My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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