Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
