I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
