Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
