That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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