worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
