woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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