Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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