dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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