Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
