Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
