Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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