im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
