I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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