I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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