I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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