Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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