So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
