I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
