so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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