Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
