i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
